If only if only, sighs the lonely.
If only if only, sighs the lonely.
Working on trying to figure things out. Plans have changed again. Hoping that they won’t change another time. I can’t handle how often things keep changing. I have not had this many breakouts since I was in college working three jobs, 18 credit hours, and dealing with my shitty then-boyfriend.
I announced at work yesterday that I am moving. They are not happy, obviously, but they understand. I’m getting sick of explaining why I’m leaving over and over again. I feel like there isn’t a truly good reason. I can’t say “my boyfriend left me and I’m following him” because people want to know why he left. I still don’t know. Then they want to know why he won’t just come back. And I still don’t know. But I’m picking up and moving to him. Only one of us has a job, but I’m leaving it to be with him. At the same time though, it’s my time to take a chance, when he did the same coming here first.
He’s agreed that me going to school in Indiana is the best choice, and has accepted that we will most likely move back to Indy within the year. That’s comforting for me. There are a few things I have to figure out before I can go about applying for the school though. Every school requires more psychology classes than I’ve taken, the only issue is trying to find schools where I can take some courses and and have them be able to work for the degree.
I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’m not stressed in my life. At least I’m learning how to cope with it.
I have a new doctors appointment to schedule. With my hematologist. Which means that if I was hoping to possibly get an appointment with a different doctor, it’s going to take even longer. And I don’t have that long anymore. There’s just a lot of stuff. And looking up future apartments for when we come back to Indiana has proven to be disappointing to me. I don’t really like any of them.
Mom will be home in about 3.5 hours hopefully. I hope to take her out for her birthday, treat her to dinner and dessert, then give her a pedicure. I’m also going to paint her a picture. I hope she likes it all. I feel like I’m really under-delivering this year. I don’t have time to buy things in general. For anyone.
I’m making more stuff. I’m loving getting paid to be able use a bit of math and customer service skills. I love that I know exactly what I’m earning for. This distance between Daniel and I sucks, but this is great, knowing that we’re both working towards our future. Towards living together and loving together. I’m also getting more and more excited about Art Therapy. I’m going to look into volunteering with some special needs children at my dad’s church for a while. This can not only be helpful towards my degree, but it is also beneficial towards myself learning things, and helping other people. It’s exciting. It also makes me kinda tired. But that’s just because there are so many things going on.
Apparently I’ve lost two friends today, because Daniel spoke to someone they didn’t want him to. I’m okay with that. If the love of my life speaking to a person who was supposedly moving about whether or not it was actually true in order to figure everything out for our living situation was something worth telling him he’s a douche and that they’d never want to live with him, let alone have him stay for a week, then fine. I don’t need that kind of toxic person in my life. Be gone.
In other news, tomorrow my cousin and I are planning on going to sell some of our belongings that we think could be worth something. I wish I could sell my whole room, haha.
The more and more stuff that leaves my house and life, the more it feels like a huge cleanse over my life. I’m getting rid of old trophies, various collections, etc. In the midst of all of the cleansing, I feel like I might be bringing more to that with the crafts and other things along that line that I’m bringing in to work on. I’m making an afghan for Daniel and I. I’ve made his birthday present, I’ve made a butt load of stuff to sell, etc. We’ll see what comes of it.
Oh well. Back to thinking about depressing stuff.
I’m moving back to Orlando. It’s been decided. Family is aware and no longer pleading for me to stay. I will be taking three psychology classes at various community colleges throughout the next year in order to prepare myself for the next big step that I’m timid but somewhat excited about. I will be applying to get my master’s in art therapy. It will be two years of intense classes with both psychology and art. I’ve always had an inkling to want to have my own art therapy studio. In my head that was always some kind of distant, after-I-retire-and-I-have-one-really-long-gray-braid-down-my-back-kind-of-thing. But after some research, it is a dream that I can make happen sooner than that. I will apply for this in January of 2016, and hope to begin my classes to start my career.
The boyfriend is supportive of this dream of mine, even though I kind of sprung it on him out of nowhere. I’m just ready to start this all now.
Unless they are said too often. Then they feel like a sigh coming out of someone’s mouth.
I have been feeling so very very lonely lately. He is gone. He left me. I am alone. I have nothing without him. I am working a shitty job and am asked nearly daily why I’m not using my degree.
Words then come in my direction that are negative. And I’m a negative person, so this just propels me to be even more negative. I don’t know if I see a good outcome anymore. Perhaps tomorrow or a few days from now I’ll not understand how I thought this initially. But fuck. Right now I’m a mess.
In addition to all of this, next week I am going to visit my grandmother that I haven’t seen in years. Since long before I graduated college and she didn’t bother coming even though it was less than fifteen minutes away. My family is more fucked up than I am. I realize that mental issues such as agoraphobia aren’t something I can understand per se and therefore shouldn’t judge, but a huge part of me is angry. Why should I go out of my way to spend my day off with someone that can’t even take a few hours out of their day to come see the proudest moment I’ve had to date? It’s not like she has anything else going on. Seriously.
I’m just angry and bitter. My boyfriend is getting antsy for me to come to him, when he’s the one who got up and left suddenly. I just got a job, shitty that it is, to make some money for our future. He’s sitting around. Perhaps he’s doing more than it seems to me, but it feels like I’m busting my ass and he’s sleeping.
And mom is eating and snoring. Or buying groceries. That’s all I see her do. That is our ‘spending time together’. I feel like I’m watching her kill herself really really slowly. And thankfully even though she is still trying to get me to stay here in Indiana, she’s accepted that I won’t. I’m not going to sit on my ass and wait for her to die like she is doing with her mom. I have a life to live and am not going to allow her or anyone else to keep me from doing just that.
I have a few undergraduate classes to take even though I already have my bachelor’s degree. I will then attempt to pursue my masters in art therapy at FSU. I feel like it really is the right path for me. I’m amped up about it. It’s time for me to go to bed. And possibly put my mom to bed too, since she’s supposed to wake up at 5 or 6. And it’s almost 2… because she wants to eat food and watch tv. Sigh. I’m done complaining for now. I’m going to attempt to cry myself to sleep. Goodnight to the nobody that looks at my tumblr. But at least I can look back at this and remember how I always feel. Cool.