It all makes me tired.

A month and a week left…

I’m moving back to Orlando. It’s been decided. Family is aware and no longer pleading for me to stay. I will be taking three psychology classes at various community colleges throughout the next year in order to prepare myself for the next big step that I’m timid but somewhat excited about. I will be applying to get my master’s in art therapy. It will be two years of intense classes with both psychology and art. I’ve always had an inkling to want to have my own art therapy studio. In my head that was always some kind of distant, after-I-retire-and-I-have-one-really-long-gray-braid-down-my-back-kind-of-thing. But after some research, it is a dream that I can make happen sooner than that. I will apply for this in January of 2016, and hope to begin my classes to start my career.
The boyfriend is supportive of this dream of mine, even though I kind of sprung it on him out of nowhere. I’m just ready to start this all now.

I make rings. I sell some of them on etsy. I want to sell them all.

Unless they are said too often. Then they feel like a sigh coming out of someone’s mouth.

Unless they are said too often. Then they feel like a sigh coming out of someone’s mouth.

(Source: the-beauty-of-words-blog)

I have been feeling so very very lonely lately. He is gone. He left me. I am alone. I have nothing without him. I am working a shitty job and am asked nearly daily why I’m not using my degree.

Words then come in my direction that are negative. And I’m a negative person, so this just propels me to be even more negative. I don’t know if I see a good outcome anymore. Perhaps tomorrow or a few days from now I’ll not understand how I thought this initially. But fuck. Right now I’m a mess.

In addition to all of this, next week I am going to visit my grandmother that I haven’t seen in years. Since long before I graduated college and she didn’t bother coming even though it was less than fifteen minutes away. My family is more fucked up than I am. I realize that mental issues such as agoraphobia aren’t something I can understand per se and therefore shouldn’t judge, but a huge part of me is angry. Why should I go out of my way to spend my day off with someone that can’t even take a few hours out of their day to come see the proudest moment I’ve had to date? It’s not like she has anything else going on. Seriously.

I’m just angry and bitter. My boyfriend is getting antsy for me to come to him, when he’s the one who got up and left suddenly. I just got a job, shitty that it is, to make some money for our future. He’s sitting around. Perhaps he’s doing more than it seems to me, but it feels like I’m busting my ass and he’s sleeping.

And mom is eating and snoring. Or buying groceries. That’s all I see her do. That is our ‘spending time together’. I feel like I’m watching her kill herself really really slowly. And thankfully even though she is still trying to get me to stay here in Indiana, she’s accepted that I won’t. I’m not going to sit on my ass and wait for her to die like she is doing with her mom. I have a life to live and am not going to allow her or anyone else to keep me from doing just that.

I have a few undergraduate classes to take even though I already have my bachelor’s degree. I will then attempt to pursue my masters in art therapy at FSU. I feel like it really is the right path for me. I’m amped up about it. It’s time for me to go to bed. And possibly put my mom to bed too, since she’s supposed to wake up at 5 or 6. And it’s almost 2… because she wants to eat food and watch tv. Sigh. I’m done complaining for now. I’m going to attempt to cry myself to sleep. Goodnight to the nobody that looks at my tumblr. But at least I can look back at this and remember how I always feel. Cool.

Everything is falling apart. I haven’t felt this out of control ever. Not once in my entire life. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m in a trap right now, and I really don’t see a way out. I don’t know if I’m happy anymore. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s all me spiraling out of control, or if I’m reacting to what life has served up to me currently. I wish I could know what to do and stop complaining. This is the only place I know where I can write how I feel right now. So many empty journals in my house and none of them are safe. This computer isn’t even safe. Hopefully something positive happens. Soon.